Timely warning

[Pseudonym]

Pseudo's Community Service of the Day

Are you SURE you're ready to have children??

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.
 
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


Test 3 - Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.  
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
 
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children.

[miltonyorkcastle]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Amen, brother. Amen.

[Dalila]

lol that about sums it up. Almost :p

[Desicardo]

As the parent of 3 now teenage daughters, I want to know who had it that easy?  Reality is much much harder.  One thing with the Mummy tape, you have to remove the off button from the player first.  Toddlers have no off button.

[miltonyorkcastle]

Hey, the above is just the preparation, Desicardo. The warm-up for parent wannabe's. :p

[Chazzler]

Boy am I glad I have no kids *wipes sweat from his brow* But this gave me a good laugh this morning, har! Pseudo, yer the man

[mumbles]

bah...it aint half that bad mate , but sure you have to juggle at times

[DMOE]

Pseudo's Community Service of the Day

Are you SURE you're ready to have children??


Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.

You are now ready to have children.

I will never forget when my OB told egoober he had to sell the 2 door BMW and buy a proper car or risk my health!

[LordCove]

*sighs* Couldn't you have posted this like 11 months ago?

Would have been really handy

[ystrday]

And what about deciding to have more then one.. or two.. or more!

One doable..

Two okay.. one for her, one for him

Three, we are out numbered! Help!

[Serissa]

Ahh, but grandchildren make it all worthwhile.  Play with them and give them back.

[Cariad]

*grins* well i have one and and one on the way as you all know and Joshua is brilliant ok he pinbches my crisps whilst im eating them and tips his pack on the floor and he climbs all over me to get to what he wants even if he is not allowed them

but common is there any of you who are parents can actually say that you would do anything different or even turn the clocks back so that you would never have them.
Cause me personally i wouldnt have things any other way (no matter how much pain i am in at this present moment in time) cause as i always say the pain is deffinately worth it in the end

[Hellblazer]

I always envied my sister and my two brothers who have kids. As it stands now, I don't have any that I know of. But hell given the chance, I know I would have had a family.

[jan]

Hmmmm...you forgot one test :

Wake mommy up and find an excuse to leave her with the child the rest off the day , do this two weeks in a row .

If you succeed , your ready to be a father ......

*grins and hides *

[Cariad]

*giggles* only 2 weeks in a row??

[Hellblazer]

Hmmmm...you forgot one test :

Wake mommy up and find an excuse to leave her with the child the rest off the day , do this two weeks in a row .

If you succeed , your ready to be a father ......

*grins and hides *

Yeah only two weeks in a row? I've done that to my ex with my pets for three months in a row, when I went on a tour as a sound tech. And we were nolonger together at that time :p

[jan]

*giggles* only 2 weeks in a row??

*grins*

if you can pull that off during the first 5 months , you can get away with anything .( not including the early times with househelp ofcourse )

[Cariad]

*giggles*  
try once get a slap
try twice get a punch
try three times pack your bags lol

[lonnarin]

If you ever wanted to know how much babies poop, take the number of times Mangle-Or goes afk to tend to the baby and multiply that by 10, meaning 9 times out of 10 she just poops on him and lets it build up until she's fussy enough to make the shrill pitched scream.

If you ever wanted to know what baby poop smells like, take half a gallon of old milk, add 2 cups of yogurt, half a dozen rotting eggs, 1 cup of coffee grinds, 1/2 cup hot mustard extract, 1 diced onion and garlic clove each, a dead squirrel, the collective buttsweat of 6 dwarven legions and a vial of Paris Hilton's latest fragrance, steam it to a boil and let it sit in the warm Floridian sun for 72 hours.  Then poop in it.

And they do it about every 20 minutes!

[mumbles]

If you ever wanted to know what baby poop smells like, take half a gallon of old milk, add 2 cups of yogurt, half a dozen rotting eggs, 1 cup of coffee grinds, 1/2 cup hot mustard extract, 1 diced onion and garlic clove each, a dead squirrel, the collective buttsweat of 6 dwarven legions and a vial of Paris Hilton's latest fragrance, steam it to a boil and let it sit in the warm Floridian sun for 72 hours. Then poop in it.


lol wouldnt want to imagen what he/or she is feed to pooh like that