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Author Topic: Joke  (Read 2763 times)

Pseudonym

Re: Joke
« Reply #220 on: September 30, 2008, 11:54:46 pm »
Sheesh, i'm normally the mane culprit for bad jokes, where'd you dretch that one up from?
 

Pseudonym

Re: Joke
« Reply #221 on: October 05, 2008, 06:52:25 am »
Sallaron and Tegan were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Carocsa Bay, Dregar. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. Locals would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".

Bumblebee, fresh out of his retirement and back at the Dragon's Whisper was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.  Sallaron replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon. We visited the Rift, near Dalanthar, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when Tegan's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. Tegs looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again Tegan quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time Tegan quietly began casting and one Greater Ruin later, the horse is blown to smithereens.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you blast the poor animal like that, are you a *adjectival* maniac?"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." and from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."




[size=-2]// If different people would give me a thanks or two, they too might have their characters appear in this enviable thread![/size]
 

Pseudonym

Re: Joke
« Reply #222 on: October 05, 2008, 06:53:38 am »
I went to Willow's Weep the other day and saw four men carrying a coffin of a permed adventurer. A few hours hours later I saw the same four men, carrying the same coffin. Thought to myself, they've lost the plot!
 

Pseudonym

Re: Joke
« Reply #223 on: October 09, 2008, 10:23:11 pm »
Grok the Barbarian walks towards the general merchandise vendor in Vehl and the shopkeeper whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest barbarian in the world.  Watch while I prove it to you."

The vendor puts ten true in one hand and five true in the other, then calls Grok over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" Grok reaches out with his oversized hand and takes the five true and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the vendor.  "That fella never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees Grok, ale in hand, coming out of the inn. He approaches Grok and says, "Hey!  May I ask you a question?  Why did you take the five true instead of the ten?"

Grok takes a messy slurp of his ale and replies,
"Grok t'inks day me takes ten shinies is day game be over and me buy own beer". *nod nod*
 

Pseudonym

Re: Joke
« Reply #224 on: October 09, 2008, 10:28:18 pm »
Sallaron was on the ground, the encounter with the kenku not having gone as well as planned and now the lifeblood was spilling from the gaping wound in his side. Trouble, hands trembling and sweating nervously, prepares to apply the healing salves and bandages. His voice barely above a death's door whisper, Sall motions for Trouble to bend lower.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best at healing this wound ... just remember one thing, if it doesn't go well, if you roll a one on your heal check and I lose my 15th strand ... your mother is going to come and live with you."
 

Pseudonym

Re: Joke
« Reply #225 on: October 16, 2008, 07:42:03 pm »
Jako Stonehill, alchemist extraordinaire had finally finished his Pièce de résistance, the ultimate in alchemical solutions ... bottled bardsong. In conjunction with Acacea he had bottled epic level bardsong, usable by any class, any time. It did however come with a suitably epic pricetag, 1,000,000 true a bottle.

Angela Swann approached Jako in order to make a purchase. Jako reverently produced the potion, handed it to Angela, and with a grip on her shoulder, warned, "This is powerful alchemy and it must be respected. You take only a single swallow and then say "1-2-3." When you do that, you will not only get a bonus to attack and damage, but extra hit points, skill bonuses and an AC benefit too. However! Best thing yet, unlike normal bardsong, with its duration limited to however long your bard might be able to maintain focus, this potion lasts until dispelled."

Angela was delighted. As she walked away, she turned and asked, "How do I dispel the potion then?" "You must say "1-2-3-4," Jako responded. "But when you do, that'll be it and its efficacy is lost forevermore."

Angela was eager to see if it worked. She went home, gathered up Alantha and the rest of the Raven crew for an assault on the Deep. Surely this wondrous potion would ensure such a venture was completely successful. The Ravens fought their way down into the Deep until they reached a point where they were sorely beset and things looked grim. Time for the potion thought Angela.

"1-2-3!"

Immediately, the epic bardson rang out loud and clear. It was if Acacea, in full voice, was present and belting out her best tune herself. The battle began to turn immediately in favour of Raven.

Alantha, all smiles, leans over to Angela and asks, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
 

Stephen_Zuckerman

Re: Joke
« Reply #226 on: October 17, 2008, 12:25:00 am »
Ark, for that, you should specify that SOMEONE has to say 1-2-3-4. ;) In the original, there was someone specific; here, you say that ANGELA has to say it... But she doesn't.
 

Pseudonym

Re: Joke
« Reply #227 on: October 17, 2008, 12:29:32 am »
Hey, don't shoot the messenger. I just copy the jokes and change the names.

If I really wanted to impart a lesson in proper English, i'd PM darkstorme or ycleption and ask them to start a thread. :P
 

ycleption

Re: Joke
« Reply #228 on: October 17, 2008, 12:33:03 pm »
Pseudonym, having failed to instruct his son on the dangers of poor preposition use, decides that reading a bedtime story might help the child's grammar. His son only requested that Pseud not read selections from that horrible book with traditional Australian fables. Pseudonym, knowing that children learn best when they are suffering, goes downstairs and takes the book in question off the shelf. When he returns, his son exclaims, "Dad! What did you bring that book that I don't like to be read to out of about Down Under up for?"*






*disclaimer: Ycleption does not condone strict adherence to pedantic Victorian grammar rules. Ycleption does, however, enjoy making jokes about such rules. Ycleption also realizes that "down under" in this context is not a preposition, but figures you all can deal with it for the sake of the joke.
 

ystrday

Re: Joke
« Reply #229 on: October 18, 2008, 02:14:02 am »
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.  One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.  Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.
 
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
 
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
 
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
 
On the card was written:
 
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
 
Three with meatballs, two without.
 
Send extra sauce.
 

darkstorme

Re: Joke
« Reply #230 on: October 18, 2008, 06:19:43 pm »
*snickers*

A halfling, Benny Underweld, was strolling through the Katherian market one day, looking for a new oil lamp.  His bedside lamp, you see, had recently developed a leak, and so the notoriously frugal Mr. Underweld was looking for a bargain.  Spotting a lampseller, he ambled over, and combed through her wares until he found a dusty old lamp, a little battered, but otherwise serviceable.  He haggled the seller down, and returned home with his prize.

When he started to buff up the lamp, a genie billowed out, as these stories tend to go.  However, this genie looked a little odd - he was four feet tall and had a full beard.  He was, in fact, a dwarf.

"Oh great dwarven master," the Genie intoned, "What would ye 'ave o' me?"  Here, the Genie paused, and looked Benny up and down.  "'Ey, now.  Ye nae be a dwarf!  Where be me dwarven master?"

Benny started to explain where the lamp had been found, but the Genie just shook his head.  "Ah well, ye'll 'ave to do."  The Genie cleared his throat.  "I'll grant ye three wishes - but ye cannae shave yer beard again once ye've got 'em.  If ye do, th' consequences'll be...dire."  At Benny's incredulous look, the Genie shrugged. "I dinnae make the rules, lad.  If ye'd been a dwarf, this wouldnae be a problem."

Benny thought for a few minutes more, then agreed.  "Alright, I want ten million True, a loving wife who bakes like a champion" - he was, after all, a halfling - "and a mansion in Katherian."

The Genie nodded.  "It be done," he said, and vanished.

And the wishes did come true.  Benny went home to find his home stuffed with True, a deed to a mansion sitting on his bed... and the very next day, his neighbour, a comely halfling lass, came over to borrow a cup of sugar and fell madly in love with him on the spot.

However, all did not go so well for poor Benny.  The Dark Ages came, and money flowed out of his coffers like water, just trying to keep food on the table.  His mansion, lacking the funds to keep it in repair, quickly became a shambles.  And his wife, sobbing, left him because of the gorsebush of a beard he had developed over the years, and refused to shave, the reason for which he dared not disclose.

Finally, heavily in debt, the mansion sold to his creditors, Benny stared at himself in the mirror at a local inn, and thought - "To the Pits with it - I've got nothing left, I'll shave my bloody beard."  However, just as he was wiping the last of the lather off his cleanshaven face, magical light surrounded him, and he heard a voice say, "Didnae I TELL ye?"

In a flash, Benny was transformed into a decorative urn, and teleported in amongst his fellow urns in the temple of Xeen, never to be heard from (or found) again.

It's an interesting story, of course, but more important is the moral, remembered by halflings ever since: "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
 

ShiffDrgnhrt

Re: Joke
« Reply #231 on: October 18, 2008, 06:27:50 pm »
Boo!  Puns!  Boo!  :p
 

Pseudonym

Re: Joke
« Reply #232 on: October 30, 2008, 05:47:43 pm »
There is a knock on the Soul Mother's door. She looks out and an adventurer is standing there. The Soul Mother is about to begin her interview when the adventurer disappears. A short time later there's another knock. The Soul Mother gets the door, sees the man, opens her mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.

"Hey, are you playing games with me?"  the Soul Mother calls after him.

"No," Pyrran's voice replies anxiously. "They're deliberating about my reimbursement!"
 

Stephen_Zuckerman

Re: Joke
« Reply #233 on: October 30, 2008, 08:19:01 pm »
Quote from: Pseudonym
There is a knock on the Soul Mother's door. She looks out and an adventurer is standing there. The Soul Mother is about to begin her interview when the adventurer disappears. A short time later there's another knock. The Soul Mother gets the door, sees the man, opens her mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.

"Hey, are you playing games with me?"  the Soul Mother calls after him.

"No," Pyrran's voice replies anxiously. "They're deliberating about my reimbursement!"
I fully expect her to greet Pyyran with a kiss and an offer to dice for his last strand.
 

Link092

Re: Joke
« Reply #234 on: November 10, 2008, 05:48:29 pm »
A young, intelligent man hears of a deaf, wise man in the mountains of Ulgrid, who could reply to any man's words, and repeat they're name, having never heard it.

Determined to learn what trickery this old man knew, the young man climbed the mountains, fighting off yeti as he worked his way to the top.

Arriving there in ragged condition, The young man looked up to see an imposing figure, whom he could only guess was the Wise man.

"Your the old man of the mountain?" said the young man.

the wise man nodded, and motioned the young man to follow. as he followed, he flinched at every loud noise made by falling boulders as he passed. he tried talking to the man as they walked, noticing that he didn't flinch when the boulders smashed into the ground.

"I know your trick! you stage all of it!"

The old man didn't even notice, and continued forth. The young man continued, but still, the old man never heard a word of it.

Once they reached a small hut tucked away deep in the mountains, he turned and greeted the young man by name after looking slightly up, almost dazed. It must have been from the hike. The young man was surprised nonetheless, and asked where he learned his name, or if he had some magic power. The man stopped, looking dazed again as he squinted his eye with an upward glance. he replied with a simple no to both, and went to fix tea. The young man continued his questions, but noticed the old man didn't hear him. they held a short conversation over tea, and the young man grew impatient. He was baffled. how was such a phenomena possible? He begged the old man to tell him how he did it. The old man grinned, and motioned above the young man's head.

as the man stared in awe above him, the old man replied, "Jus' 'cause I lost me hearin' don't mean I forgot 'ow teh read."
 

ystrday

Joke
« Reply #235 on: November 22, 2008, 04:28:42 pm »
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping "napkins" in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife, who gasped then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'
 

Pseudonym

Re: Joke
« Reply #236 on: January 29, 2009, 04:43:12 pm »
One night Sall, who was barely able to walk let alone mount up on his horse after a big night at the Prantz Inn, wisely left his horse tethered and walked home through the sleepy district of Haft Lake. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, a stern deep dwarven guard stopped him.

"In the name of Sulterio, what are ye doin' out 'ere in the wee hours of de mornin'?" said the guard.

"I'm going to a lecture" Sall slurred.

"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the guard asked suspiciously.

"Tegan" answered Sall with a sigh.
 

ystrday

Joke
« Reply #237 on: February 13, 2009, 08:05:59 pm »
Ark accidentally rear-ended an ox cart one morning. So, there he was alongside the road waiting to see what happens, and slowly the driver of the ox cart came around to Ark. There was Ark soo stressed that the little things of the situation seemed funny, that Ark couldn't believe it, Ark couldn't just believe it, the driver!.... He was a  DWARF!!!

The dwarf stormed over to Ark, looked up at him, and shouted, *I AM NOT HAPPY!!!*

So, Ark looked down at him and said, *Well, then which one are you?*

And then the fight started.
 

Stug3

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Re: Joke
« Reply #238 on: February 13, 2009, 09:27:34 pm »
He ho, he ho, that's a pretty good joke you know..he he he ho, he he he ho, he ho he ho he he he ho.
 
 
 sorry...stuck in a hotel room and getting a bit stir crazy.
 

ShiffDrgnhrt

Re: Joke
« Reply #239 on: February 13, 2009, 09:40:22 pm »
Clearly, he was Grumpy!  :p  ;)
 

 

anything