When is being a friend still being a friend?

[lunchboxkilla]

Josh, one of my friend sthat i have know for over 5 years, yesterday married this...Filth wrapped in human skin. I was dragged off by the cops on his wedding day Because I told him not to marry her... Told him she would ruin his life.. That she'll never do any thing to support him in his life. she'll take and take and never give.

About 2 hours ago I this garbage that is too pitiful to be called a human called the cops on me becaue he invited me into his own home to talk things over. I hnow have a restraning order from his wife, and if it wasn't for him I would of been in jail for alleged assault.

My words to him were "You gotta leave her before she ruins your life." he looked up at me like it was a plea of help and then this animal came down the stairs and started yelling at me hitting me with a tv guide and screaming at the top of her lungs saying I ruined "her" wedding.. That it was "My" fault that she'll never have the wedding that "she" wanted. And proceeded to call the cops on me. Being stubbonr as I was I never left the house because I still wanted to help Josh. After being assulted a second time by this ...thing, that he calls a wife, with a pan the cops showed up faster than any thing. (Bad part of Endfield CT trust, me always a cop on the end of the street.) I was placed in handcuff and forced into the back seat of the car. She got right in to the cops face saying I was hitting her slappiung her and other things... And let me tell you one thing...I Have not and will not ever lay hands on a woman even if she were to try and kill me...
The police officer  (Brown i think his name was) quistone me while a second officer kept this screeming banshee away. I told him every thing from me trying to stop a wedding to me trying to save a friend from a ruind hollowed life. Which still didn't get me far because if a woman say you hit her your kind of doomed... But Josh stuck up for me and told him she hit me, but this devil turned around and made fales statements saying that I call her at 2 in the morning, I have stolen her things, harassed her, threated her, threated to burn their house down and the list could go on for days.... So she's goign to file a restrannign order on me tomarrow.....


This is the thanks I get for trying to save a friend?

This is what i get for helping Josh when he was homeless?...

This is what I get for giving him Gas, Smokes, money, food, and a place to stay for a week?

This is what I get for stopping him from killing him self?

This is what i get for saving him from drug addiction AND bringing him to the ER because he ver dosed and waited with him for 6 hours?

Am I too open hearted to just let people use me?


I'm sorry I'm just confused and tired... I never like losing friends. I never liked it at all... My friends are family and it just scars me for life till there is just a hollow shell... And I just wanted to tell some one...

[Stephen_Zuckerman]

Well, Lunchbox, I'm not going to do you the insult of trying to tell you life's a pile of sunshine and daisies. I'm going to tell you, simply, that some people can't be saved. In this case, your friend will divorce the banshee within a year or two, and hesitantly look for your friendship again.

'Til then, you can either deal with the (there's not really a good word for a family forum here), or pop her one good enough that she stays shut up. The second one gets you on assault charges and seems to be against your personal ethos, so your only option is numero uno, or the alternate: Staying out of it entirely.

Sorry there's no more help to give, but... Well, there you go.

[Talan Va'lash]

Stephen_Zuckerman - 6/19/2006  1:52 AM
Staying out of it entirely.

Thats the best option.

His choice is his choice.

[Amberyl Ravenclaw]

You can hope that your friend will come to his senses - but in the meantime, best stay away from his wife.

Sometimes it takes the person in question (I mean your friend) a hard knock before they sober up. Hopefully it won't take too long for him to realize that the marriage was a poor choice (from your accounts from her, she does sound nasty).

And I don't think the problem lies with her alone; IMO your friend has issues that he has to sort out. He can ask others for help; he can talk with you or other friends or a counsellor; but the battle is still his own. You can't hope to reach out and rescue him by yourself, if it starts to burn you out.

Best wishes to you. And your friend.

[ZeroVega]

I have to admit, as I started reading this post I thought it was an act from Blue Collar TV. As I got deeper into it though it bears striking resemblence to a wedding I know of, only it's the "friend" that's crazy (psychological disorder). Anyway I have to agree with everyone else.

Hang in there but hang OUT there and stay away from her. It's a hard thing to make a guy choose between the woman he loves (or thinks he does) and his buddy. Can't marry the latter! (Have to go up a few states for that.) Anyway, if his wife is really as bad as you say (I can't know how bad she REALLY is because... well I just don't know her) then sleep well knowing that you did the right thing, you got the ball rolling. Whether it stops or your friend keeps rolling it is entirely up to him now.

ZV-

[Amberyl Ravenclaw]

Sooner or later they learn - based on what I've seen, they usually do.

Denial, or closing one eye blind, can't last forever. Unless in very extreme cases.

[Philosopher]

I get the impression that you've lost a friend. From my experience you don't suddenly loose friends but drift away - unless you have super duper conflicting views about something.

As for your friend, it was his decision and I know it will hurt to see it, but I'm sure she somehow treats him differently and he likes it. Maybe he likes this woman treating him like this - People have hidden qualities you know.

As for your friend, keep in touch but don't influence it anymore - you could be making it worse in some ways. BUT, I don't know what your friendship is like with him - from reading it I sense a strong relationship here.

Hope this helps,
Edd.

[Rasterick]

Please dont take this the wrong way; for I do sympathesise for you and for what you have done. People often cant take critism, especially when it comes to matters of the heart; they say love is blind, and the case of your friend it does seem that this is the case. However he sees something in this woman that you and maybe many others dont, you have to allow this to runs its course, for better or worse. You have done all you can, and sadly come out the worse for it. I speak from bitter experience, as I have seen similar things happen, and while I know your actions were truly honurable, you must now step back, even though it may mean the loss of a friend. The decission is ultimately his to live with. If it all goes wrong, and he is a true friend, he will realise you were right. All you can do is be there for him, should he need you. Your a brave man, and I do hope that this is sorted out to everyones benefit.

[lunchboxkilla]

I have already deciced that when he falls I'll not be there to pick up the pieces. I just feel rather hurt that some one would let another person control their life. Some one that is 18 years old and lacks any responisiblity. Her own brother off all people told her off by asking her, If you can't rase a few cats what are you going to do with your own baby?"


As for trying to stay out of it I well... couldn't This woman will make any one hate her just by being near her for no more than 3 minutes.. She whines when ever asking any thing... longest she's been working is 3 hours out of the 10 jobs she has. Won't lift a finger, (trust me I lived with them for 3 weeks). Has no sence of what the meaning ownership means, I have seen this person use any one's PC in the middle of the night. She'll come in turn the light on, install sims and start playing as if she owned it. During the time I lived in their apartment, telling her many number of time not to open my bedroom door to keep the her cats out she still did it because she has this... "I do what I want" syndrome. She's stolen smokes and money. HAS cheated on Josh,cheated on her last two ex's for drugs. Smashed my friends Computer because he was moving out. Threw my one of computers into the walls of my room when I was moving out ( I did charge josh and he DID pay for the damages..)

In all honesty this child should of never left her parent's home.

Oh well soon as Dan moves is iguana out of Josh's place I am calling the ASPCA for cruleity of animals. She has parrotkeets(SP?) and both died to lack of food... and I'll spare you from the horrors of her cats

[Filatus]

Right... you just don't steal another person's smokes, period.

I'd agree with the rest on this, Lunchbox. Just stay clear and you won't get burned.

[lonnarin]

In cases like these I draw the line and oh how I cross it.  I remember by friend from freshman year Anime Shaun. (the title being his grandmastery of all things animated and eastern )  Well, Shaun began seeing this mentally unstable girl by the name of Lisa, an emo-chick clone with raven black Beetles hair and more self-inflicted drama than Oedipus in a Mother-Son needlepoint competition.  Not only did she insist on taking up all of his free time, but she followed him to all of his classes, and would break into frequent fights every time he slept in and didn't keep her company during hers.  She disallowed him from hanging out with us for all but saturday night, D&D night... then when she caught him drawing his character portrait one time in his notebook, she ripped it up in a fit of jealousy...  as if the little animate grey elf were actually a threat of some sort.  Then she'd get all whiney and overbearing and keep yelling at me for being single and not hitting on every random girl I met, and started yelling at ME one time when I refused to go out with her roommate.  I know... REALLY doesn't make any sense at all, right?

Then she crossed the line and started scheduling panic attacks for every D&D session...  showed up in the dorm commons-room 3 consecutive weeks in a row crying over some stupid drama and yanking him out.  After the 3rd time I talked to Shaun about it the next day about how I didn't like how insecure she was acting, that he needs breathing room or the whole relationship's going downhill...  He was interrogated that night by her apparantly, and she immediately stormed up to my dormroom hitting me and cussing me out... by this point I just stood there laughing at her, being 6'6" and neigh indestructable... she paused confused and glared at me...

"Look, I don't care what happened in your past, whether your daddy beat you, God was out to get you or whatever you have in your pretty little swirling head right now... I don't hate you.  Truth is I pity you.  That somebody could walk around day after day in such a state and still not believe they need some ************ therapy!"

She punched me in the face and ran off, Shaun on her leash obediently following.  The next day he told me that she was in the corner of his room in the fetal position crying for 6 hours with the sheets up over her head and screaming... and that I should apologize to HER.  "Shaun," I said, "If that right there doesn't PROVE to you once and for all that she's too unstable for a relationship, I'm going to have to let you go man.  There's a difference between being whipped and taking advantage of somebody who's not even legally mentally competent."  He didn't seem mad or anything, kind of smirked actually, said ok and that was that, we didn't talk to eachother for about a year.

One year later, after a failed engagement when she cheated on him, KEPT his ring, tried to get her exes and brother to beat him up for various her lies, several thousand dollars of credit card bills, a decimated renter's lease, his pet rat MURDERED, and all sorts of physical abuse she sent his way, they finally split.  The very DAY they broke up, I got the call on the cell..

"So John, you still running D&D saturday nights?"

Trust me man, stand your ground.  She has a restraining order on you?  Stay away from both of them and cut him off as well.  The very fact he's still dating a woman that would hit you shows where he stands... and now they're married.  If he truly is your friend, you'll hear from him in about a year when he's finalizing the divorce settlements and wants to go out on the town womanizing like old times again.

[Nyralotep]

Sometimes people need to see the errors of their mistakes all the way through.  People have to be at the end of their ropes before they will allow themselves to be saved.  And sometimes pride will not even allow that.  But they will take everyone close to them down with them as well.  

As has been said before, stay away for now.  If he ever does come to you for advice, don't be vengeful but be firm and tell him YOUR rules before he is able to come baqck into your life.  Sounds to me though like he has some serious issues in his life he needs to clear up before he ever has a relationship with someone else.  

Those things you helped him with, they have a root cause and the guy obviously needs serious conseling to work through these issues.  He may have foolishly thought 'it'll be better once we're married'.  Never is better with marriage if you have serious problems.  Anyway make sure he attends counseling (and continues to attend) before he ever comes back into your life.

[lunchboxkilla]

Thank you every for the support and I have said this to my remaning frineds, he's dead to me. I'll watch him fall and I will not pick him up again. He burned his last bridge and now he has to be the man and deal with his problems.

[deagle]

I hate to see you crush your own spirit and heart because someone else made a mistake. He has to come to realization of the error before he can move on.
As someone said earlier...he sees something in her that nobody else does...as you have seen in your friend that you have by your description done so much for already..including saving his life.
Don't be so quick to give up...you are right that the pieces will fall and he will need someone there to help pick them back up.
I have stood where you are many times and I will continue to stand there for those that I call friends whether they make stupid mistakes or not because someday I will need the strength of a friend as well. Keep yourself strong and do not create this bitter part of your life.

Remember...a true friend will give of himself and not expect anything in return. Stay strong buddy...

[merlin34baseball]

Um... some people are idiots (probably even me), no matter how well intentioned they are.  I have stood up more than once to a friend and told them that their girlfriends / wives were up to no good...  just to have them not listen to me, and have them come back a couple of years later and tell me that I was right.  Love makes you blind I think, but I would have, and still will do what you did.  You are trying to protect a friend.  Isn't that what life is about?  Caring for others...

[Etinfall]

Just stay away. Best choice.

Although, why on the wedding day to voice your opinion? Before hand, good for you. But if he is still in it on the day of the wedding, let the day be thiers. At this point even calling the animal cops is in bad taste. Let them live, with out you of course. Be above that.

Etin

[Creighton]

There's not much that can be said that these other fine folks haven't already said, Lunchbox...but I just wanted to say that I admire you greatly for what you've done...it takes a certain kind of courage to do what you have done for this friend all along...but in the end, when it comes to who he wants to marry, all you can do is give your opinion and hope it's heard...if not, well, that's how the longest remembered lessons are learned.

One thing, though:  I don't believe you'll let him rot when he falls.  You've just been too good a friend to let that happen.  You're angry now, and I certainly don't blame you...but in the end, you strike me as one of those who'll be there when the dust clears to set your friend on his feet again...maybe not with the same emotional committment...but then again, probably so.

There aren't enough people in the world like that, my friend.  Glad to meet one, even if it IS online.

[_M_O_B_]

What steve said, some people can't be saved, most of the time, it's cos they simply don't want to be.